So close to finding a home. I’m so close to finding a way of being in the world that isn’t at odds with everyone and everything. So close. I cannot emphasize enough how I’m almost there. This time it didn’t work out. But I tried. I did my fucking best with the tools I had on hand and when things got ugly, I didn’t back down. I didn’t run away and simply do as I was told because it was the most comfortable, convenient and preferable option for everyone else. Yeah I have Mars in my 11th hours, so fucking what? So fucking what that I get banned from Discord servers every now and again for going a little too far, for saying something just a little too off-kilter.
It just hurts when it hits closer to home. I’m more scared to take those risks and when I do it’s not that I regret having said or done what I did, I simply wonder were the casualties on the way a necessity to living in my truth? Standing on business isn’t where the choice lies. I still want to be understood and understand. I want to be seen and known and not superficially… in a way that really exposes everything to everyone about who I really am even if it comes with some harsh accusations – I want to be ready for it all. I’m not asking to be made an example of – I’m asking for the opportunity to lead.
Because I’m as ready as I’ll ever be in this moment. There’s no point in waiting for an ambiguous point in the future where the stars will align for me if I’m not ready to accept what’s meant for me. Here I am telling the world that I am. I am ready for it – as ready as I’ll ever be and I’m not going to wait on an invitation to show up to do what I do best. The invitations will come when they’re meant to come but showing up every day is the choice I made for myself. I feel good about what I’ve done so far and what I have coming up next so all I gotta do is keep showing up.
All the universe was waiting on was for just for *me* to believe in myself. It actually didn’t require anybody else to take attendance or participate, it only asked for my own. Hm, a truly modest and humble universe this one is. It speaks so quietly- in a hushed whisper, when no one else can be bothered to hear it. Absolute queen of humility and is one of life’s greatest teachers should you tune in to hear her hushed sounds, the faint noise of her breath.
The things we do for validation. The expectations we apply unilaterally. The categorization of “this is what a good friend would do” “good friends don’t _” I think those are all fine and well if they help you. Forget what I want for everyone else for a moment. I want inner peace for myself. I want to find a warm embrace from within holding me up when my environment doesn’t really care what I think. I want quiet to process the violence of this world. I want the space to fulfill my goals. Sometimes I feel suffocated by expectation of those closest to me. I don’t want to let them down but I mostly want to run. Far, far away. Running is nice – it gets your endorphins up – gives you reprieve. I want to feel the complexity of the moment. I want to feel all the ways I have not lived up to others, perhaps betrayed them. I let it rush through me like a wave, but I always find myself back at shore where the water gently washes over my legs. I have hurt the ones I loved being the most authentic version of myself but there sometimes isn’t a problem to be solved. Sometimes you wait for the day to break again. The things we say and do to not sound like a cluster B personality disorder. And so what if it is? In one world, I am bipolar. In another, a narcissist. In another, a psychopath. In another, heaven-sent. All these are fractals beaming off one another to create a whole image. Some people hold more of a certain section of the fractal than another and in different parts of our lives. The judgement we cast becomes us. We transcend the judgment cast on us. It’s a funny thing to be accused of that which we accused others for. Not like funny ha-ha. More like a gentle smile at the simultaneously vast and tiny lightness of being.
I’m strong enough to reflect on the mistakes I’ve made of my 20s. I am strong enough to reflect on the mistakes I’ve made over millennia. I will use this time wisely to reflect on my decisions then and my decisions now. I will allow myself to progress. Sometimes your body reacts before your mind even has a chance to catch it. But you’d only know that if your body was totally engaged. I’ll let this be a time for my body to be an actor. It can be the star – the protagonist. I will let it dictate what is happening before my mind can race to make a conclusion. I hear you now. I hear you louder than I ever have before. You’re still sometimes a quiet whisper, but you can take reigns. So much of us is divine that we cannot intellectualize yet. I’ll stop hoping for my readers to experience the best of life in place of me. I’ll stop forcing who I want to be and my ideals onto my environment. I’ll stop looking to them for permission. I’ll simply let myself be who I need to be and let the rest fall into place.
Love you deeply and immensely still. and Always. A love letter to the universes that exist in all of us.
今日も早起きして、土砂降り。なんと止まらないの。ピタピタかちゃかちゃ。自転車のカバー買ったのに、蟻の育ち。っていうか使わない。４時２４分の朝。太陽の挨拶は、今日は見ない。蜩の遠い鳴き声が鳥の歌に夢中む。意味がない日本語が頭の中ぱっったんと振り込んで、美しい存在だ。
もう疑わないよ。言いたいことは言う。「ね、ここ、主語付けないと、意味がわからなくなる。」どうでもいい、それは。くだけたな言語でも人を救われた。俺が使ってる英語も意味がない。意味がない。ずっと正しい姿勢で、ずっと正しい構成で、出会える世界線に落ちても、この世が広げないわ。
だからこの設定で、だからこういう関係で、「主語：あなた」ここさえいればいいのよ。もう書けないのね。発言してる神。歌の歌詞しか思い出せない。笑 一方一方で、一歩一歩。夜明けがやっと来ました。頭のガラガラが静かになっていて、お腹のガラガラがうるさくなってく。ペカんとお。
とりあえず人間でいい。とりあえず、好きな音でいい。語気元よ