what the hell is going on with this site selling our data to third parties to train AI on. will all my words amount to nothing but a cute chatbot quip that itched the brain enough for one dopamine , is my blog in its non-derivative form worth more than one dopamine? assuming i would produce one dopamine as a chatbot,,,

fuck. FUCK! i am on a brand new level of uncertainty and chaos – analyzing any emotion is starting to feel violently untrue to myself. typing up one sentence and taking another minute to process the emotions oscillating in a larger model of newtons cradle that lives in my chest, neck, hands and back. sometimes something from the outside with full security clearance will intervene to stop its momentum. like social media.

if i never read into the stories of my emotions or traced them back to the original disturbance from rest will my loved ones still accept me? if i cannot quote intelligently quote communicate my feelings will i still be shown grace and compassion? will i still be in community? where does vulnerability begin and ego end? if i cannot accept the less than perfect entirely too human journeys of self-discovery of my nearest and dearest could i do it for myself? how do i measure my value relative to anyone falls outside of a ‘me’? what defines an imperfect journey i could be more understanding of and what defines one that i must separate myself from? i hope to begin to answer some of these questions today.

if i begin from the perspective of you is me and me is you then a lot of assumptions break down. is it ideal? yes. is it realistic? no. the conception of boundaries would not have materialized if there was not an “I” or a “you” an “us” or a “them”. our birth was our first separation and we celebrate it every year. so where does ‘I’ begin and ‘you’ end?

astrology really helped tremendously on that front. in astrological terms, ‘I’ begins with the lunar mansion of the natal moon AND the position of the horizon line and it ends approximately in areas of the sky the larger celestial bodies of our solar system were absent from at the time of our first separation – the bodies further away from our home planet bearing ‘less’ on our destinies (‘less’ here as a butterfly effect amount of ‘less’). simply, it begins with a birth chart and ends in unfamiliar territory. it’s interesting how much easier it was to define where it began, but the limit line is a lot more shady. it’s up for interpretation. it expands as long as our consciousness continues to expand. astrology is not something that can be mastered much like what ‘mastery of self’ amounts to is up for grabs.

so here ‘you’ come rushing in made up of all the star stuff you touched and transformed on the way here the waters i have not yet plunged into or crossed. and frankly? it’s ruining my goddamn life. !L – O -L, tfw you learn for the first time for the nth time that everything everyone everywhere is on a full speed crash or~ whatever temporarily across multiple galaxy parallel lines course of their own trajectories. impulse, momentum, collisions ETcetera i didn’t do so hot in physics so maybe it’s not as surprising to the rest of you. yeah, as a matter of Basement fact it did seem like those who thrived in the hard sciences knew pretty damn well what they wanted out of their lives.

(if in case I described ‘you’, a hard science do-weller, & somehow you are not of knowing – ‘I’, An/the astrologer, can set you back on [An] course of your choosing. fear not if I do not know my own it does not inhibit my ability to tell anyone else about themselves arrogance was a original perk of this iteration)

am i still on track to answering my original questions? sometimes you never know where you’ll land. sometimes you don’t land. i had fun on my path ~67,000 miles further into newer celestial waters until the clock told me a new day began. i’m cool with dropping a deuce here. Deuces!

my evolution is never ending. I am glad to be here full of life and energy in this moment 2:46. I am calm and feel serenity. I am blessed with connection I am blessed with poise and prose. I am happy to be here. I am happy you are here with me too. I am here in the dead of the night holding your hand boosting your love for humanity. I don’t doubt my word I won’t doubt my prose I will reiterate my love for all beings still. Words are as sacred as life I will protect and cherish them still. Their power will energize you take hold of you to listen to engage to be free of your rage your enemies agaze

No red line will stop me no algorithm no machine. I may doubt I may wander I may fear what’s to come but as time draws closer to the pulpit the apex of resolution I will not be distracted I will stand tall and firm and strong unwavering in my conviction that you and me and you are one and the same. That we come of the same blood the same rock the same tree that birthed us birthed us one and all.

my love my sweetest dream. I look upon you and wonder the beauty of life’s creation. I will defend you to the ends of the earth. May you rise on every occasion to find that the sweetest nectar has always been within. You are life’s wonder and greatest imagination. May your soul be held gently as it rocks itself to sleep hold your head up high your body at rest and sleep drift into the neverland where we may all be free

in Fukushima 1:55 in the morning awake in a pitch dark room, yeah apart from a tiny OLED, while my girlfriend is tossing and turning because not even blue light filters are enough to shield the dreamers from their dreams so-called reality so-called waking life.

Every thought in my head I dictate as though I were writing it down doesn’t end up making it, for when I get to write the mood has completely changed – there’s something else to say. I can’t be too sure of my writing capabilities anymore, but I haven’t been trying too hard to pick up the lingua franca du Japon either. My passive approach is neither here nor there but working out for the time being. Why not let immersion do its thing on its own time? I’ll let the words I brush up against in life lead the way.

I wanted to hear myself say something anything before I finish my Saturn return and I don’t think I have the raw will I once did to save a draft in the drafts. The subdued acceptance and contentment that comes with age trickling down gently after a giant puff of steam has been let out and there is now only water condensing against the walls. Now bedtime.