Today is meant to be a digital detox day for me of sorts. The first time I had done so I eliminated all electronics commonly used for entertainment, no TV, no computer, no phone. The day before in preparation, I would write out navigation directions if I had planned to go somewhere. It was really effective (and scary!) to start paying attention to my surroundings and learn the names of the roads where I live, even the smaller side streets. Not sure I have the moxie for this lately. I simply accepted that I would rely on GPS as my skill doesn’t seem all that useful with an omnipresent smartphone. Ha well… wonder how we would navigate in a world where we can’t see the signage anymore. (I am writing from my computer again today, so an allowance was made, to what extent… I have not yet decided).

Yeah, I always have these strange, vivid dreams. This time all dreams were set in the infamously renowned ‘liminal spaces’. One setting was almost like an artic tundra, extremely cold and iced over, but a giant steel bridge spanned miles across and what felt like a mile into the sky. It’s interested that you couldn’t see the full length of the beams. The ground was cemented, and the beams were buried into the cement ground at least a quarter of the way down. A giant swing was attached to it that would span the beginning to the end, yet the seat hung only a few inches from the concrete ground. Maybe I should stand on it? Either way I got on and flew through the icy air. My high school best friend made an appearance soon after.

Is the New York Jets a football team? Oh, what? I don’t know anything about football. I really did not know that, but they were briefly mentioned in my dream when a public swimming pool was advertised, “The New York Jets swam here!” If only I knew. I think I was in a bathroom with many people (is a bathroom a liminal space? The place that demarcates your pre-poop and post-poop life?) and they expressed desire to go to a pool. I’m sure my insides were churning because the pandemic was still a real consideration for me in my dream. I don’t have dreams of going to festivals with large crowds or shmoozing it up with strangers at a bar. The realities of waking life are reflected in my dreams one way or another.

What about the liminal space consideration, theme? Yeah, well what about it? It’s giving six of swords, it’s giving eight of cups (I pulled this yesterday when I asked what that flash of light was about). I pulled Knight of Swords for who my friend symbolized in the bridge dream. I don’t remember interacting much, so I can’t say if I got that impression. I pulled Two of Pentacles for myself as my signifier in the same dream. Ah, the pentacles liminal person. Haha I have spent so much on another acupuncture package and the herbs for my fibroid and the herb for the endometriosis tea (the local apothecary has really decent prices) that I do suppose finances are…. em. Interestingly, I learned now this card also represents partnership or long-term commitments in love. I remember see this card in a three card love spread I did for my best friend, but at that time I did not know it had this signification. Kind of a wild card.

WordPress says this blog post so far only takes three minutes to read… what say you reader?

hey! Hey!!! My friend finally delivered her baby yesterday! My blog’s birth chart would be very similar except her baby is both Magha sun and moon, super connected to ancestors with a Purva Ashadha rising, the warrior artist archetype. I can soooorta get to experience my blog as a person. 😅 I haven’t heard all the details yet, but I’m very excited. This was a really difficult pregnancy for my friend, so I am really glad it’s over with and both mom and baby are safe & healthy. (Updated as I write… more details came through…. My friend was in early labor for 30 hours, actively for 2 and a half. 😲 And a 2nd degree tear. 🤕 I am wishing her a speedy recovery through the power of a written spell.) Actually, I have another friend who is pregnant now too. I have witnessed many pregnancies over the course of the pandemic including that of my cousin’s that gave me my first nibling.

I don’t feel any different with the people close to me conceiving, raising homos(apiens). I’d want to have kid, but my desire doesn’t increase suddenly because of this, if anything it probably decreases in the interim since it takes a village. I met up with an ex not that long ago and he asked me what was my reason for wanting a kid, and honestly, I told him there could never be a logical reason in this world, because no child ever really consents to be born. So I thought. That directly contradicts my belief that we choose our charts at birth. I simply do. I simply knew that it was in the cards for me one way or another. I can’t say I know with the same certainty I did – things have gotten complicated. It’s not to say that I’ve lost Hope around it or that I have any reason to, it’s that I’m going to take things as they come step by step, day by day. Interestingly enough, the more healing I did, I think the more I drew away from these norms of what should be achieved by what age and when. For instance, I don’t have any anxieties around marriage, because I can’t say I’m very invested in the institution of marriage. It doesn’t seem like the right fit for me right now (or later, but if time has showed me anything, it’s that I can’t always definitively speak for a later). I was only ever interested in marriage as it is always presented hand in hand with children. Once I realized I could intentionally have a child as a single parent, that became irrelevant. I benefit from being partnered but I’m not sure if I like my identity to be defined relationally to someone else.

gosh, it’s kind of tiring writing on my phone. Maybe when I charge my laptop.

Okay, but actually listen to world’s end girlfriend. If you like to listen to 13 minute songs, I have just the ailment for you. (I looked up ailment, and huh all this time I thought the word meant remedy and not malady, It works both ways fortunately in this case).

Woah, what the fuck. It felt like lightning stroke in broad daylight. There are no storms. Something flashed within a split second as I turned my head. I checked my devices to see if a power line got cut, but they seem okay. Maybe I time leaped. It felt a little too out of the ordinary. I could simply be escaping from my routines. It’s comfortable to live with words and the spaces in between them. I’m not trying to fly too close to the sun.

There are many things left to do today: wash the dishes, clean the kitchen counters, shed drums, sight read two pages of piano, sight read two pages of guitar, (skincare done), plank for at least a minute, take my herbs, make endo tea, eat my leftover fillings as tacos. That’s not too bad considering all these combined should not take longer than three or four hours and it’s only 18:00 on this side of rock. I think I had anticipated to clean off my desk today or at least this weekend, my Goliath task. Call me David (don’t). Meanwhile, heavy metal guitar riffs.

In theory, I could write a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t actually have to reflect my life at all. I could make up a bunch of stories. I could lie through binaries. Something that’s definitely not a lie is that I am Franken monster, made in a laboratory, hand-pipetted into small sodium alginate and calcium chloride baubles. They taste of sandalwood. I don’t know what sandalwood smells like. It seems like a terrible purchase.

I feel like my stomach is upset, but I’m not really sure. There was a lot of activating ‘heat’ energy inside me last night. It got relieved a bit after my plank-pushup-dip routine and stepping outside. My temperature read then 98.1F. It now reads 97.4F. It was elevated slightly. I wonder why I am getting hits to my blog from Baidu. If my blog ends up being nothing more than a good English learning resource, I am satisfied, but this is not a good English learning resource. I’m as confused as the song I am listening to now. A retroactive hello to the one Irish folk I reached. I sometimes think the way I write is not unlike how an AI would write. I wonder sometimes how often is my writing used as data to feed AIs with. A familiar friend.

What are my anxieties at this moment? Well, sitting here mainly unable to stop stringing words together. Not setting out to do what I thought I wanted to do a month ago. Not being able to commit to anything. Any opportunity to betray my own trust. What am I scared of? Am I judging myself for changing up my story too often? Am I scared of being seen as unreliable? Not able to be of service to anyone else? Yeah…. that sounds… close. Reliability is a double-edged sword. Can you be both reliable and irresponsible? Can you be irresponsible but reliable? If we think of responsibility as duty… what exactly are my duties here? No one told me I had to do anything. I decided it for myself. What does trust even entail? Why is it important to have trust in yourself? I don’t trust anyone.

I wonder if it’s possible to not trust anyone and not be ruled by fear and doubt. I think I can be scared and trust. I think I can be ‘fearless’ and not trust. I don’t have to live by false binaries. I don’t have to pit complicated emotions against each other to make sense of them. I only seek them out as a mixed bag camaraderie. My girlfriend said I wrote a lot in a day.

“Yeah it’s how I escape my responsibilities. “

“Then maybe you should be a writer.”

That’s not exactly how that works. hahah If writing became a burden, if it became a responsibility, I would find something to take its place. But for now, there are no expectations, no deadlines, no commitments, so I can be free. I can say what I want when I want. I have no brand deals. I have no mouths to feed but my own (and my girlfriend’s once we are reunited). I would like to have more mouths to feed. I would like to have more responsibilities, secretly. I want to do everything on my terms as much as possible, but I want to be responsible for my health and life trajectory at the least. Once I can maintain that, I am ready to bear the burdens of the world. I am ready to carry the weight of it on my shoulders. That’s why I started calisthenics. That’s why I am going to add weights. How can you support others if your own heart and limbs aren’t swole?

I’m on a computer now, typing. It feels like a typewriter. Clack clack clack clack. I’m listening to a Four Tet artist playlist that has a bunch of illegible symbols as its name. Not all of it is something I want to listen to right now. There’s almost 2000 songs in there updated since 2016.

I can’t really focus on writing when I’m listening. It’s not that I’m *actively* listening as a learning tool, but my brain is activated in a way to simply vibe. It feels stimulating to so many more senses than I have conscious awareness over. Mania by Daphni. Arpeggiated synth ribbons. Can I bring to consciousness what I feel when I listen? Time to break out the ‘noise cancelling’, wireless SONY headphones I bought last Black Friday for the sake of buying. I have a wired pair of Samson headphone I grabbed for school for 35 dollars a few years back. They’re still holding up okay and work well, but I can’t say I really ever heard what was going on in music until I got this slightly pricier SONY bit that I only apparently saved 25 dollars on based on its current going price. It was the first time for me to use nicer headphones. They feel uncomfortable after wearing them for a while. The Samson ones are lighter around the head. Maybe I’ll look at even nicer ones later.

Haha, I’m really feeling the chiron opposite the ascendant placement of the blog. Multiple feelings are dancing around heart center, but I can’t stomach bringing them up here yet. Let’s talk about the products I consume. The music I’m listening to. The anime I’m watching. I wish I was a computer, slogging, beeping, cataloguing. Electronic flesh.

One day, I will find myself in a family home. The family is eating kielbasa. I am eating olive tapenade. Pots are clattering in the background, but even louder in the foreground is the sound of world’s end girlfriend heartbreak wonderland

all I can think about is writing in this blog. It’s an obsession, it’s a fixation, it’s a stream of consciousness deliberation. Everytime I start a new project, the wind picks up, the fine, cool air under my tailbone catapults me into euphoria. What does it mean for an air to be fine? I’m going for pleasurable. Actually, why do they even call it ‘fine arts’? 🤨

I got a bagel *🥯* in the toaster waiting for me until I head back over there and smother it with some ooh ahh oo ah ah. I definitely ran out of vegan cream cheese. I have been buying miyoko’s brand, but I think if memory serves me right I did like the kitehill chive one. I can’t find miyokos in multiple flavor bomb variations Just Anywhere. Some article online is hyping VioLife (EDIT: the best part about a blog is that I got an edit button for these tweets) and Daiya in their top two. Now let me tell you something. I eat these, but part of me really does not want to anymore. There’s got to be something more to life than these non-dairy dairy substitutes.

I get so excited to write because Everytime I do it leads me down a rabbit hole where I’ll learn something new like for Instance!!! I was saying all ooo ah oo ah ah but that was a bastardization of oo EE OO ah ah the Witch doctor song by Ross Bagdasarian and I’ll be damned Alvin and the chipmunks is Armenian history.

Peace. Out

basement

i will get to know what it means to have a blog now. I’m really enjoying so far this sleek interface of gray text against a black background. Very easy to read, and I do like that I can post images alongside text without compromising text size and legibility. Reader, you must be overjoyed.

it took me a while to find an image that was ‘aesthetic’ enough that wasn’t of my own flesh form. It reminds me that I should take more walks. I have been writing in my moleskine that I bought to purpose as a scrapbook for a friend and my’s travel photos, but it’s my journal and to-do bucket now.

I’ll update as much as possible, basement woes. Basement joys. basement plays with kinky toys. Naw but yuh. It’s kind of momentous that I began the blog on this day. I’ll definitely have to check out the charts for it.

okay, first of all, mercury in the first house for a blog? That’s extremely fitting and makes me very hype. Sun and moon is also there and conjunct and oh so romantic. If I’m a hasta ascendant blog baby, does that mean I will use all the charm available to me to win over your heart? 😉 Achachacha. I’m very excited we got a Uttara phalguni mercury too – all the nerd explicitives with that Jupiter opposition I’m not sure what is going to happen but only time will tell. Let me put out a chart for the tropical astro girlies too.

ugh, I love her. We love her. We love a Leo venus. Look at all that activity in the outer realm houses. We are a public, outward facing, service after all, a Cancer MC. DONT WORRY reader, you’ll catch up on the astrological and endometriosis fronts. FEAR NOT BE TRIVIAL

Let’s talk about a few of the more difficult aspects then shall we. The Chiron opposite ascendant stands out so much to me because initially I was hoping to have a space where I could write about… My natural history… My progression with endometriosis mainly, but it sounds as though there will be some masking of major wounds. I will do my best to not project my fears and anxieties onto you, dear followers💞 I may very well end up romanticizing my life. Sun square Mars at 0° orb means we’ll have a fun spicy time. If Tesla got it at a 1°orb, it’ll be even more electrifying here.

k, i think that’s all I got for this digital space here now. Back to the moleskine meditations.