the eclipse is upon us. did you rest? did you cry? did you wander about and lie? how many times can you scream until you hear yourself back in the mirror? if there’s one space, one place, where i won’t pretend, then it’s here. i eat directly from the hand that feeds me. i make myself known – my edges sharp and wide – my bowls polished; vowels rounded.
what is more foul than a dream deferred? what is rest than a slice of breast from a better rounded chest? i could eat you alive if i wanted. i could turn your mounds into stage plays. i could turn your cries into operas. i could make you breathe the space between us till you bruise from within. desire is but a word; fantasy a fiction.
life has a strange way of opening your eyes to it. the peaks the valleys the ebbs the flows. nature beat us to an award winning rose. caution needs no writing and prose no pose. each cycle carries its mission – at once a still surrender. its time to circle back around. unloaded. grifted.
So close to finding a home. I’m so close to finding a way of being in the world that isn’t at odds with everyone and everything. So close. I cannot emphasize enough how I’m almost there. This time it didn’t work out. But I tried. I did my fucking best with the tools I had on hand and when things got ugly, I didn’t back down. I didn’t run away and simply do as I was told because it was the most comfortable, convenient and preferable option for everyone else. Yeah I have Mars in my 11th hours, so fucking what? So fucking what that I get banned from Discord servers every now and again for going a little too far, for saying something just a little too off-kilter.
It just hurts when it hits closer to home. I’m more scared to take those risks and when I do it’s not that I regret having said or done what I did, I simply wonder were the casualties on the way a necessity to living in my truth? Standing on business isn’t where the choice lies. I still want to be understood and understand. I want to be seen and known and not superficially… in a way that really exposes everything to everyone about who I really am even if it comes with some harsh accusations – I want to be ready for it all. I’m not asking to be made an example of – I’m asking for the opportunity to lead.
Because I’m as ready as I’ll ever be in this moment. There’s no point in waiting for an ambiguous point in the future where the stars will align for me if I’m not ready to accept what’s meant for me. Here I am telling the world that I am. I am ready for it – as ready as I’ll ever be and I’m not going to wait on an invitation to show up to do what I do best. The invitations will come when they’re meant to come but showing up every day is the choice I made for myself. I feel good about what I’ve done so far and what I have coming up next so all I gotta do is keep showing up.
All the universe was waiting on was for just for *me* to believe in myself. It actually didn’t require anybody else to take attendance or participate, it only asked for my own. Hm, a truly modest and humble universe this one is. It speaks so quietly- in a hushed whisper, when no one else can be bothered to hear it. Absolute queen of humility and is one of life’s greatest teachers should you tune in to hear her hushed sounds, the faint noise of her breath.
The things we do for validation. The expectations we apply unilaterally. The categorization of “this is what a good friend would do” “good friends don’t _” I think those are all fine and well if they help you. Forget what I want for everyone else for a moment. I want inner peace for myself. I want to find a warm embrace from within holding me up when my environment doesn’t really care what I think. I want quiet to process the violence of this world. I want the space to fulfill my goals. Sometimes I feel suffocated by expectation of those closest to me. I don’t want to let them down but I mostly want to run. Far, far away. Running is nice – it gets your endorphins up – gives you reprieve. I want to feel the complexity of the moment. I want to feel all the ways I have not lived up to others, perhaps betrayed them. I let it rush through me like a wave, but I always find myself back at shore where the water gently washes over my legs. I have hurt the ones I loved being the most authentic version of myself but there sometimes isn’t a problem to be solved. Sometimes you wait for the day to break again. The things we say and do to not sound like a cluster B personality disorder. And so what if it is? In one world, I am bipolar. In another, a narcissist. In another, a psychopath. In another, heaven-sent. All these are fractals beaming off one another to create a whole image. Some people hold more of a certain section of the fractal than another and in different parts of our lives. The judgement we cast becomes us. We transcend the judgment cast on us. It’s a funny thing to be accused of that which we accused others for. Not like funny ha-ha. More like a gentle smile at the simultaneously vast and tiny lightness of being.
I’m strong enough to reflect on the mistakes I’ve made of my 20s. I am strong enough to reflect on the mistakes I’ve made over millennia. I will use this time wisely to reflect on my decisions then and my decisions now. I will allow myself to progress. Sometimes your body reacts before your mind even has a chance to catch it. But you’d only know that if your body was totally engaged. I’ll let this be a time for my body to be an actor. It can be the star – the protagonist. I will let it dictate what is happening before my mind can race to make a conclusion. I hear you now. I hear you louder than I ever have before. You’re still sometimes a quiet whisper, but you can take reigns. So much of us is divine that we cannot intellectualize yet. I’ll stop hoping for my readers to experience the best of life in place of me. I’ll stop forcing who I want to be and my ideals onto my environment. I’ll stop looking to them for permission. I’ll simply let myself be who I need to be and let the rest fall into place.
Love you deeply and immensely still. and Always. A love letter to the universes that exist in all of us.
今日も早起きして、土砂降り。なんと止まらないの。ピタピタかちゃかちゃ。自転車のカバー買ったのに、蟻の育ち。っていうか使わない。４時２４分の朝。太陽の挨拶は、今日は見ない。蜩の遠い鳴き声が鳥の歌に夢中む。意味がない日本語が頭の中ぱっったんと振り込んで、美しい存在だ。
もう疑わないよ。言いたいことは言う。「ね、ここ、主語付けないと、意味がわからなくなる。」どうでもいい、それは。くだけたな言語でも人を救われた。俺が使ってる英語も意味がない。意味がない。ずっと正しい姿勢で、ずっと正しい構成で、出会える世界線に落ちても、この世が広げないわ。
だからこの設定で、だからこういう関係で、「主語：あなた」ここさえいればいいのよ。もう書けないのね。発言してる神。歌の歌詞しか思い出せない。笑 一方一方で、一歩一歩。夜明けがやっと来ました。頭のガラガラが静かになっていて、お腹のガラガラがうるさくなってく。ペカんとお。
とりあえず人間でいい。とりあえず、好きな音でいい。語気元よ
what the hell is going on with this site selling our data to third parties to train AI on. will all my words amount to nothing but a cute chatbot quip that itched the brain enough for one dopamine , is my blog in its non-derivative form worth more than one dopamine? assuming i would produce one dopamine as a chatbot,,,
fuck. FUCK! i am on a brand new level of uncertainty and chaos – analyzing any emotion is starting to feel violently untrue to myself. typing up one sentence and taking another minute to process the emotions oscillating in a larger model of newtons cradle that lives in my chest, neck, hands and back. sometimes something from the outside with full security clearance will intervene to stop its momentum. like social media.
if i never read into the stories of my emotions or traced them back to the original disturbance from rest will my loved ones still accept me? if i cannot quote intelligently quote communicate my feelings will i still be shown grace and compassion? will i still be in community? where does vulnerability begin and ego end? if i cannot accept the less than perfect entirely too human journeys of self-discovery of my nearest and dearest could i do it for myself? how do i measure my value relative to anyone falls outside of a ‘me’? what defines an imperfect journey i could be more understanding of and what defines one that i must separate myself from? i hope to begin to answer some of these questions today.
if i begin from the perspective of you is me and me is you then a lot of assumptions break down. is it ideal? yes. is it realistic? no. the conception of boundaries would not have materialized if there was not an “I” or a “you” an “us” or a “them”. our birth was our first separation and we celebrate it every year. so where does ‘I’ begin and ‘you’ end?
astrology really helped tremendously on that front. in astrological terms, ‘I’ begins with the lunar mansion of the natal moon AND the position of the horizon line and it ends approximately in areas of the sky the larger celestial bodies of our solar system were absent from at the time of our first separation – the bodies further away from our home planet bearing ‘less’ on our destinies (‘less’ here as a butterfly effect amount of ‘less’). simply, it begins with a birth chart and ends in unfamiliar territory. it’s interesting how much easier it was to define where it began, but the limit line is a lot more shady. it’s up for interpretation. it expands as long as our consciousness continues to expand. astrology is not something that can be mastered much like what ‘mastery of self’ amounts to is up for grabs.
so here ‘you’ come rushing in made up of all the star stuff you touched and transformed on the way here the waters i have not yet plunged into or crossed. and frankly? it’s ruining my goddamn life. !L – O -L, tfw you learn for the first time for the nth time that everything everyone everywhere is on a full speed crash or~ whatever temporarily across multiple galaxy parallel lines course of their own trajectories. impulse, momentum, collisions ETcetera i didn’t do so hot in physics so maybe it’s not as surprising to the rest of you. yeah, as a matter of Basement fact it did seem like those who thrived in the hard sciences knew pretty damn well what they wanted out of their lives.
(if in case I described ‘you’, a hard science do-weller, & somehow you are not of knowing – ‘I’, An/the astrologer, can set you back on [An] course of your choosing. fear not if I do not know my own it does not inhibit my ability to tell anyone else about themselves arrogance was a original perk of this iteration)
am i still on track to answering my original questions? sometimes you never know where you’ll land. sometimes you don’t land. i had fun on my path ~67,000 miles further into newer celestial waters until the clock told me a new day began. i’m cool with dropping a deuce here. Deuces!
my evolution is never ending. I am glad to be here full of life and energy in this moment 2:46. I am calm and feel serenity. I am blessed with connection I am blessed with poise and prose. I am happy to be here. I am happy you are here with me too. I am here in the dead of the night holding your hand boosting your love for humanity. I don’t doubt my word I won’t doubt my prose I will reiterate my love for all beings still. Words are as sacred as life I will protect and cherish them still. Their power will energize you take hold of you to listen to engage to be free of your rage your enemies agaze
No red line will stop me no algorithm no machine. I may doubt I may wander I may fear what’s to come but as time draws closer to the pulpit the apex of resolution I will not be distracted I will stand tall and firm and strong unwavering in my conviction that you and me and you are one and the same. That we come of the same blood the same rock the same tree that birthed us birthed us one and all.
my love my sweetest dream. I look upon you and wonder the beauty of life’s creation. I will defend you to the ends of the earth. May you rise on every occasion to find that the sweetest nectar has always been within. You are life’s wonder and greatest imagination. May your soul be held gently as it rocks itself to sleep hold your head up high your body at rest and sleep drift into the neverland where we may all be free
in Fukushima 1:55 in the morning awake in a pitch dark room, yeah apart from a tiny OLED, while my girlfriend is tossing and turning because not even blue light filters are enough to shield the dreamers from their dreams so-called reality so-called waking life.
Every thought in my head I dictate as though I were writing it down doesn’t end up making it, for when I get to write the mood has completely changed – there’s something else to say. I can’t be too sure of my writing capabilities anymore, but I haven’t been trying too hard to pick up the lingua franca du Japon either. My passive approach is neither here nor there but working out for the time being. Why not let immersion do its thing on its own time? I’ll let the words I brush up against in life lead the way.
I wanted to hear myself say something anything before I finish my Saturn return and I don’t think I have the raw will I once did to save a draft in the drafts. The subdued acceptance and contentment that comes with age trickling down gently after a giant puff of steam has been let out and there is now only water condensing against the walls. Now bedtime.
I feel as though I have experienced already so much of what life has to offer knowing that what I meant to do has not yet really begun. I am working on surgery recovery. I am working on my health. I don’t know what else I am meant to work on. Here I am sleepy and listless for the Ketu year. I have experienced a lot and never anyone like me – close, but not ever anyone just like me. It must be the same for everyone else? There are so many souls here, so many lives taking the form of humans. How many are taking the form of other life that we don’t pay any mind to? I want to connect to them. I want to know what they are saying. I have experienced everything there is to experience about the human realm – I cannot come back as one.
I want to know what the oldest souls here say. I don’t care about human feat and accomplishment. It does nothing for me. I only care about the language of trees and birds and crickets. I want to move away from this idea that people are all there is to this earth. We’re all what we got. No, wrong. I know there are non-human spirits if we invested in them, they would look after us. I know they are doing so much more than any of us ever would or maybe even could. I want to stretch the could. I want to do the most I ever could the same way a conifer or a warbler would. We’ve exhausted the extent of human knowledge and the solution they thought is algorithms. Data sets. I’ve processed so much data. Every day I’m getting more and more inputs of data. I don’t need the quantity anymore. It’s not selfish to hold an unoriginal release or thought to yourself. There is enough. There is more than enough to go around. Every new day I am mined for original thought and press. Press enter.
I haven’t written anything up here in a while though my brain has been abuzz with ideas. Haven’t been able to put the hands to the keyboard so to speak. What got me writing now is a movie soundtrack by a Chinese band called Hualan for ‘Before Next Spring’ that was released earlier this March. You can check it out here.
I’m still digging on a lot of Chinese media and watching Daily Life of the Immortal King. It’s so uniquely funny but still touching (at least the ending of season 1 got me good). I’m currently on season 2 and waiting for season 2 of Link Click!
I found the movie soundtrack from an APEX (Asia Pacific Exports) radio session on Dublab by Kaishando here which is so exceptional and relaxing. I came across this track in Jess Fu’s set for APEX that I’m so into. Many beautiful tracks there. It made my jaw drop a couple of times. Shout out to the Two of Hearts transition after the Lee Jae Min edit too.
I’m reading a bunch of Webtoons too. Mom I’m Gay on Manta being one of them and it’s really very bittersweet and made me want to write on my experiences. I’m not in that state of mind now. I want to vibe on a Sunday after stewing a giant pot of black beans. I want a rice steam facial. I want to cook up some plantain and assemble bean + avo tacos. I want to go skating with my friends and not worry about the week ahead. I want time to decompress.
I’m going to start writing a campaign for an adapted Vampires of the Masquerade game I’m running with my friends. I have no GM experience, but I’ll learn. I didn’t know that some of the first RPG games came out of DnD campaigns. I made that connection when setting up Pass, Fail conditions on events and it made a lot of sense. I won’t spoil much for now but maybe you’ll get a taste of Yakuza Vampires Unlimited: The Fury of Shinzo Abe soon.
It felt good to get this out. See you soon.